Thoughts from Tess

I have been gone a long time. A short time and a long time. But I am back.

You are invited to comment if you feel moved or aggrieved to do so to these musings. The dance of yes/no, pain/joy/hate/love is what creates relationship and my readership is a relationship I value highly.  

Change, grief, lost expectations, and the suffering these moments can bring also can bring us a new element, a drop of wisdom, perhaps-- that shifts the experience from bitter to meaningful, life-giving, life-affirming?

I told just a bit of my story to a new friend at dinner Saturday night. He said, “my your life is marked my a lot of trauma and suffering” or something to that effect—I nodded to agree, which I did agree that this is HIS perspective about me, but not mine, really. My thought at the time was, but I haven’t told you any of the truly painful moments of my life—where not a victim, but a perpetrator of my own suffering, my own dismemberment, my own blind intentions that led to existential aloneness and total despair were the worst moments. Had it not been a big dinner party in a loud restaurant I might have explored this with him. But I also recoiled at what I heard was his perspective of me: another middle-aged woman who is a broken, bleeding sad character that is really a downer as a dinner companion. I would feel the same, absolutely. But the truth is, I felt none of that from him. He was kind and our talk was reciprocal which built some connection between us that felt like a long drink of cool water for my thirsty soul.

Now, nearing 60 years old I find the meaning in my life is about making meaning and reflecting on the difficult as well as the joyous times. Can I find joy in my suffering; can I find selfishness and unconsciousness in my joy?

My dinner on Saturday was in Denver, CO at the Directors’ of Training meeting for the North American Council of Jungian Analysts. Here we come to reflect on the various training programs we are all involved in and common issues that arise. I am associated with the Jung Institute of Zurich where I teach and am a training analyst. I have as a responsibility the English training program, which I share with others: the head of faculty, the faculty board, the program director, etc. The Jung Institute in Küsnacht is a large institution in all ways. It has graduated over 700 Jungian analysts that populate the whole globe and is a four-story building that dates to around 900 c.e. Students come from Asia, Europe, the Americas, India and Africa.

This responsibility has given me ample moments to find my own selfishness and stubbornness, opinionated driven attitudes that have caused others and me suffering. It has also created a community of close and meaningful relationships where experiencing and understanding the psyche is our chief focus. I am privileged to belong to this dance of joy/suffering/meaning-making. And this is where I have been since my last Blog—traveling back and forth, giving exams, planning classes, holding case colloquium, attending meetings and social events as well. The spirit of writing has called me back here, to those of you reading this, thank you for listening.